by Kathryn Paul
Living with Schrödinger’s Cat
I first heard of Schrödinger’s cat (poor thing)
during a sleepless weekend
a weekend of not knowing (yet knowing)
when the only way to keep
breathing was to watch (continuously)
the first two seasons of Big Bang Theory
pretending to laugh
attempting to keep
from thinking what if—
Wait. Go back.
First: the cat.
Simply put, a scientist named Schrödinger
for some reason possibly having to do with
physics, posited
a cat.
A cat in a box.
A hypothetical cat.
A hypothetical cat in a hypothetical box
not unlike my not-so-hypothetical—
Wait. Focus.
First: the cat.
This hypothetical cat was in the hypothetical box
with a vial of poison. (Hypothetical, of course.)
This posited cat
lay in the box,
in the box with a vial of poison
and an isotope (also hypothetical)
which at some point (hypothetically)
just might begin to decay, releasing
a single hypothetical atom
which would break
the vial and allow the poison (in the hypothesis)
to escape.
All of this leading to (hypothetically speaking)
the cat’s demise.
Death, in other words, could hypothetically
occur. Sort of like—
Stop. Stay with me here.
Stay with the cat.
The hypothetically poisoned
(or possibly not poisoned)
hypothetical cat.
In Schrödinger’s hypothesis
(if that is indeed
the right word)
as long as nobody looked
or lifted the lid
as long as nobody peeked
the cat could be (hypothetically)
both alive
and dead
at exactly the same moment in time.
And I,
in my very real bed
in my very real room
in my very real 48 hours
of not knowing (yet knowing)
fingered the place
where the needle went in
and the cells came out
so very much not hypothetical
at all.
And so, the cat
simultaneously alive and dead
And so, myself
simultaneously alive and—
Crouched in the box
Crouched in the dark
How much of the poison
How many of those cells
As long as the box is shut
As long as the show is on
As long as the cat stays still
As long as I keep breathing
Wait.
No peeking.
Kathryn Paul is a Seattle-based writer and editor. She is a survivor of many things, including cancer and downsizing. Her poems have appeared or will soon appear in Lunch Ticket; Stirring: A Literary Collection; Words Dance; The Fem; and Ekphrasis.